My dear Severus
by mirtilla
Summary: This is a little story, written about one year ago, on purpose for an Italian Contest. Two pages full of Snape’s thoughts and feelings about a special woman, who is still in his heart, deeply in his life. I’d like to thank you my dear friend Susan, for he


**MY DEAR SEVERUS**

_(This is a little story, written aboutone year ago, on purpose for an Italian Contest. Two pages full of Snape's thoughts and feelings about a special woman, who is still in his heart, deeply in his life. I'd like to thank you my dear friend Susan, for her kindness and patience, an unforgettable help to translate it. I'll appreciate every your comment or remark. Thanks.) _

Goodbye, Professor Snape . Today's lessons are finished, a laconic nod from my students, leaving me free to devote myself to my life, if I ever had one.

I gather the homework and go to my office. It's October the 15th and, like every year, an engagement is waiting for me. It's something I can't renounce or, probably, can't do without. My colleagues have tried in every way to discover my secret. Vainly.

The day is slowly growing dark, the students' shouts are less insistent, the quiet of night inexorably comes down over the castle.

Wearing my usual black cloak, I take a little metal box and fly towards the unknown. My destination isn't far, a rock facing the sea. Bare, desolate and open, like the air around me.

When I arrive the salty taste becomes strong, the light movement of the waves lulls my thoughts, I'm looking far, far from the reality, inside my mind.

I sit on an edge of the rock, I've done it many times, but each time the height makes me restless, a shudder that rouses my dozing limbs.

The sun has crossed the horizon, a fluffy breeze brushes my hair, my mind loses itself in the magnificence of sleeping nature.

I pick up a stone, round and smooth. Unintentionally, I drop it, down, towards the abyss. It bounces, it hits again, until it's swallowed by the sea foam.

The same might have happened to you. A moment, and you were no longer there. Nor in my thoughts.

One night, a night many years ago, my fears were born. I've tried to conquer them, but I've lost the struggle.

_" Good night, my dear Severus…sweet dreams…Mum loves you," you said softly, tucking in the blankets._

_I trust you and fall asleep happy. I'm dreaming, an innocent dream, as only a six-year-old child can have._

_A deafening noise wakes me. I'm frightened--what is happening? Cries come from next room. Disturbed, I get up, open the door and see you--ruffled hair, swollen face, tears from your eyes. _

_"Severus, you shouldn't be here, go back to bed" you say, lovingly, brushing my cheek._

_The man's hand seizes you by the throat, throwing you down, your head savagely hits the edge of the door. That man who is beating you is my father. How can he be allowed to do this to my mum? He was my dad, but not anymore. Dead to my heart, dead to my mind._

_I'm petrified. How can a child understand so much anger?_

_"Tart! You and your lover will burn at hell!" he screams at you one more time, before striking you again._

_"And you, silly young scoundrel, what are you looking at? I should have known you weren't my son, so delicate and silent. You're only a little bastard, go back to your room!"_

_I don't understand. My world is cracking, I'm only a child, I don't want to see you quarrel with each other._

_I give in to his Evil shout to divert his attention, and you've time to fly away. Away, towards freedom, or so I was thinking. _

_You run, run into the night, but he's chasing you like a fierce beast. He trips, falls, raking his hands along your body. I'm running after you, too, breathless. It's raining and the mud is slowing me down. I fall, pick myself up, shouting, but you can't hear me._

_We arrive at the edge of this cliff, facing the sea. I can see in your desperate eyes death's glance…he has caught you, gives you a shove, and, after that, with a last foolish gesture, pushes you towards emptiness._

_Your hair blows while your body is getting ready to meet its destiny. _

_He departs like a beast which has consumed a savage meal. I'll never see him again._

_I throw myself towards you--"Don't fall!"--I'm trying to stop you, my little hands seize yours._

_"No! Don't leave me alone…I love you…" But my hand is too weak and yours doesn't want to stay._

_"My dear Severus…your mum loves you…" and you fall down, swallowed up by the waves._

I don't remember how long I stayed there, motionless, crying. Since that time I've hated the sea. I'm frightened of it, a terror which rapes my soul, which makes me incapable of thinking.

You were so beautiful, long black hair, skin as white as the moon, for your son the perfect woman. I had faith in you, but I was betrayed. I was only a six when you left me alone, hopeless.

A moment and I lost it all, my family, my life, my childhood. Brought up by some strangers that I didn't know.

You were so proud, when someone said I was like you, touched, a tear rose to your eyes. I wished to have your delicate and gentle features. Instead, I bear behind my melancholy, a dark mask that I'm not capable of removing. Ever.

"Severus"--you chose this name for me, so austere. At first I didn't like it, everyone teased me, laughing at me. Later I understood that in it was written my destiny. I'd never be happy, I'm incapable of loving anybody.

Today I'm a man…a man who has never been a child, a man who has never become father. The man I called "father" wasn't my father. I'll die without knowing who was. One left me his last name, the other his blood, nobody gave me a tender word, nobody comforted the child's fears. I wept alone.

Why did you love another man? Why were you unfaithful? I've asked myself for many years. I've hated you because of this, a son doesn't forgive his mother's betrayal, he always wish to have her with him. A lot great deal of time has passed, but my rage is still living, my heart has understood your choice, but my reason has not. I have forgotten the one who killed you, but not you. Maybe I love you too much.

Inexorably the night sinks, dampness coming from the sea pierces my limbs. I stand up, trying to find comfort, but it's useless, there isn't relief from my pain. I press my hands, the veins frantically pulsing, until they turn purple. Now these large and strong hands could protect you, save you, but it's too late.

I'd have liked you had been proud of me, I wished you were there when I became a Prefect with full marks. Instead I was alone…without a friend.

I vented my anger in books, isolating myself to demonstrate my worth, me, a bastard without family, an orphan thoroughbred wizard. Nobody knew what distressed me, nobody asked me for any explanations, I couldn't bear it.

When I fell in love, I'd have liked your advice. She was so beautiful, a flower bristling with thorns, a gem which could never have been mine. I had to choose between her and the respect of the only friend I had. Promised to Lucius, she couldn't be mine, I sacrificed my feelings to not hurt our friendship.

He never knew, it has been the right choice, she quickly forgot me. I detested you and all women, none of them bore my closeness, I'm too proud to love them, too cowardly to accept a compromise.

You didn't help me when I yielded to the Evil's flatteries, me, so ambitious and presumptuous, I deceived myself to know all about life, all about death. Strong, having already faced it.

I crouch down. I'm no longer a child, but I close my eyes, dreaming of your caresses, my mouth whispers the tender lullaby which, before I went to bed, you used to sing me.

As it did then, my breathing is relaxing, my anger leaves the space for sleep. Exhausted, I abandon myself on this uncomfortable couch. The night is full of stars, but in my heart only the darkness is left.

Another day arrives, the sun is rising brightly, its reflection lighting the sea so that it doesn't seem so threatening any longer. In the distance, the gull's song breaks the silence.

It's time to go back to my students now. They're my life.

How I should have liked to love you…but I haven't been capable of doing it. Forgive me, please.

I open the little box, taking out a white lily, its purity above all. Because you're in my heart, a rare and beautiful flower.

"Happy birthday, Mum"

_"Severus…I'm so proud of you…how I wish you could hear my words. Please take me with you until the end of the world." _


End file.
